


Sometimes

by Legendawson



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alison Dilaurentis mentioned, Anti Ezria, Aria Montgomery mentioned, Emily Fields mentioned, Gen, Insomnia, Nightmares, PTSD, Past Rape/Non-con, Spencer Hastings/Toby Cavanaugh - Freeform, Spoby, Warning this is slightly anti ezria, Yvonne Phillips mentioned, some slight spoby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 18:06:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11468847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendawson/pseuds/Legendawson
Summary: Toby Cavanaugh, in his insomnia induced, sleep deprived mind, reflects on his life and his struggles





	Sometimes

Most nights he couldn't sleep. A lot of nights he dreamt of Yvonne. Some nights he dreamt of Alex. Other nights he dreamt of Jenna. Toby wasn't sure what was worse, dreaming about his abusers, dreaming of his lovely dead wife, or having insomnia so bad when he wakes up in the morning his eyes are so baggy and black and blue that it looks like someone punched him in the face.  
Tonight was one of those insomnia nights. Spencer lied next to him surprisedly sound asleep. She usually took the brunt of insomnia and ptsd induced nightmares. It's almost like they took turns. One night he has insomnia and she's having a nightmare. The next night she has insomnia and he's having a nightmare. They were almost just as messed up as each other.

_ They really were quite a pair. _

  
Sometimes Toby would be tossing and turning trying to go to sleep and he'd catch a glimpse of Spencer and think of Alex. That was always the worst. He was worried. Worried that maybe, just maybe, they chose the wrong Spencer. He knew that was stupid. When he talked to her, he knew it was Spencer. He just knew. But at night, when she was sleeping and it was dark, he couldn't convince himself that it was for sure 100% her. Other times he worried that Alex would come back. She never ended up in jail, either she escaped, or Mona never called the cops in the first place. Either way, Toby worried about her coming back. Worried about Alex kidnapping Spencer and pretending to be her again. It scared him.  
Sometimes Toby was happy. Actually happy. He'd wake up, kiss Spencer on the forehead, and make her breakfast. Those were the best days. He'd feel like the worst of everything was done, that his anxiety over everything that happened was gone. But then the night would come and he'd be right back where he started.  
Helping homeless people with Jason really helped his mental state. Toby wasn't sure why, was it helping people? was it spending time with his brother in law? was it the physical labor? Toby wished he knew, because then at least he'd have _something_. Something he knew for sure that helped. Hell if it was physical labor he'd go jogging at 3 AM.  
Toby's internal monologue wouldn't stop, it was part of the reason why he had more insomnia induced nights than nightmares. He couldn't stop thinking. _Ever_. It was Alex this, Jenna that. As much as he loved Spencer, he couldn't get Yvonne out of his head either, he almost felt guilty about moving on, even if he knew it's what Yvonne would've wanted. It was an anxiety thing. Shit he had to start seeing a therapist, hell Spencer was brave enough to admit she needed help, why couldn't he?  
Toby wanted to get up and be productive, if he couldn't sleep he should do something. But he remembered what his mom had taught him, that if you can't sleep, you should still lay down, your body resting made you feel a lot less like shit the next day. Still, it felt like he was wasting precious time. Tick tock tick tock. He could actually hear the grandfather clock. Tick tock tick tock. He wanted to throw that motherfucking grandfather clock out the goddamn window. Damn he was cranky, but it was 3:30 in the morning. Tick tock tick tock. Does that clock ever shut up?  
Toby noticed something new each night that made it harder and harder to fall asleep. Was it all in his head? He didn't remember the grandfather clock ever bothering him before. A few nights ago his mind fixated on the fridge making too much noise, but when he got up in the morning, he didn't hear anything. Did this happen to Spencer?  
Sometimes he wished they'd get insomnia on the same nights. It happened once a few months ago. Neither of them could sleep, so they played scrabble, baked a cake, ate greasy left over pizza, and binge watched friends. Having someone going through it with you really made the insomnia not seem so bad. But of course that was a one time occurrence. Since that one time, they haven't had insomnia at the same time that they know of.  
What if Spencer was awake right now? Toby looked at her closely. She seemed to be asleep. Dammit.  
Sometimes Toby wanted to call up his cousin in law, Alison. Although it was really different, Ali kinda knew what it was like to be raped too. With Archer Dunhil lying about his identity and Alex Drake implanting eggs into her without her consent. Toby wondered how she dealt with all of that. Probably with Emily's help. But Toby never called her. It would be weird. They're not friends. Just because he's best friends with her wife doesn't mean he's friends with her. Just because she's his wife's cousin doesn't mean he can randomly call her up and ask her about the most traumatic experiences of her life. But he wished he could. Maybe she had ways to cope with this that he never considered. Maybe he'd casually ask Emily about it one of these days. Shit he missed her. Like really really missed her. Shit she was his first friend. His only friend. Still, to this day.  
Other times he really wanted to call up Aria. But he knew that was way out of line. Aria was still in love with her abuser. It wasn't his place to tell her. But god sometimes he wished he could punch Ezra. Spencer felt the same way and god what he wouldn't give to see Spencer slap his stupid face. Although Toby didn't know her well, he knew from the way Spencer talked about her that Aria was caring and kind. He knew she deserved better than him. At their wedding, he knew it took all of Spencer's might not to stand up when the priest asked if anyone objected.  
Sometimes when Toby got insomnia this bad, he got mad. Too mad. He'd rip his hair out. God he really needed therapy. And Spencer knew as much. Every time she suggested it, Toby would shrug it off and not really say much.  
Sometimes Toby was so sleep deprived he thought of calling Jenna. Yes he really needed therapy. But damn sometimes he wanted to call Jenna. Sometimes he wanted to call Jenna and tell her off, scream at her, call her every name in the book. Other times he wanted to call Jenna and ask how she was. Because sometimes he hated himself so much. Sometimes he felt bad for her... when he really really shouldn't. Deep down Toby knew he didn't owe that blind bitch anything. Not a single thing. But god sometimes he hated himself _that much_.  
Tick tock tick tock. Toby stood abruptly. That fucking grandfather clock. He walked to the living room, walked up to the clock, and tried to pick it up. He was a strong guy, but he couldn't lift it up. Son of a bitch.  
Toby laid down on the couch, maybe a change in environment would help.  
It did not help.  
Sometimes Toby simultaneously missed his mother and Yvonne. After all these years he still missed his mother. She was so kind. She deserved to live. She always made him snacks after school. That was his favorite. And when he had nightmares she'd make him hot chocolate and read him a book. He wished he had that now. God he missed her.  
Toby's mind drifted to Yvonne. Sweet sweet Yvonne. She was so kind. Why did someone so loving and so pure have to die? It just wasn't fair. Sometimes when he looked at Spencer he could see a little bit of Yvonne in her. Just like when he was with Yvonne, he could see just a little bit of Spencer in her. They were so much alike.  
Sometimes, on good nights, Toby dreamt that Spencer and Yvonne were best friends. It was weird, yet comforting. Why couldn't he have the dream every night? The thought of them being friends warmed Toby's heart and made him smile a little.  
Toby had a terrible headache all of a sudden. Shit, now this? He got up and walked to the kitchen and pulled out some Tylenol and took two. Then he pulled some ice cream out of the freezer and went back to the couch.  
Toby sat in the dark eating ice cream right out of the container.  
Sometimes Toby couldn't take it anymore. The never ending thoughts. The insomnia. The nightmares. The ptsd from being raped so many times. He couldn't take it. Shit he wanted to rip his hair out again.  
Sometimes Toby wondered what a normal life would be like. Oh how he yearned for a normal life for Spencer and him. All he really wanted was for Spencer and him to heal. Was that too much to ask for? Toby sighed. Yeah. It was too much to ask for.  
Sometimes Toby thought about all the homeless hungry children he met on a daily basis. As selfish as it sounds, that always made Toby feel better. First of all, they had it way worse than him. Second of all, they were all so happy to be getting to live in an actual house, just thinking about how excited they were made him smile.  
Toby thought seriously for a minute about getting therapy. He really needed help. Real help. Not just the thought of calling up someone with similar problems as he has. He decided, if she was feeling alright, in the morning, he'd talk to Spencer about starting therapy.  
Sometimes Spencer talked about wanting to have a baby. Toby wanted a baby too. But he was scared. Scared with how fucked up he was, that he wasn't fit to be a father. Is that crazy? Was it crazy to even think he could have a baby and not screw it up mentally?  
At least he knew a crying baby wouldn't be an issue, either Spencer or him would be awake in the dark hours of the night.  
When Toby thought of raising a little human who looked like his precious wife, he couldn't help but smile. Couldn't help but think maybe life was worth it. Maybe life was beautiful.

Spencer woke up to see the bed empty and she about had a panic attack. Ptsd flashbacks of being kidnaped flashed through her head. She jumped out of bed to look for Toby.  
When she walked into the living room, she saw Toby passed out on the couch with a ice cream tub on his chest. Melted ice cream. She smiled and kissed his forehead.  
She had a terrible night. A night full of nightmares. But seeing her dorky husband passed out on the couch with a tub of ice cream on his chest made her think maybe they'd be ok. Maybe they'd be happy one day. Truly happy.


End file.
